Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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