Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
