Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
