shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
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