oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
