It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
