His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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