Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
