Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
