..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
