I met the friendliest cop last night
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
