Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
