Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
