I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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