Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
