ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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