i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
