ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
