my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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