how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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