Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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