highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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