Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
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