Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
