I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
