i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
