Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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