i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
