i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
