that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
