There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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