Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
