I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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