her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
