dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
