just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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