I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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