so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
