Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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