I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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