did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
