He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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