Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
