How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
