I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
