i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
