i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
