she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
