I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
