Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
