im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
