I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
