I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
