please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
